Apr 12, 2010
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Dissecting Guilt and Shame
A friend of mine consistently receives negative feedback from a manager. It is a complete drag on his projects and his daily life. He is not alone.
Many people have managers that use negative feedback to get things done. Instead of letting it drag you down, here are some guidelines to help.
Understanding negative feedback can help you dig yourself out from it.
There are two types of negative feedback.
- Guilt
- Shame
They both make you feel bad. But they are different.
Guilt is feeling bad about something you did.
Shame is feeling bad about yourself.
Guilt can be a productive tool for professional improvement. Managers who use guilt are trying to get you to perform at a higher level or pay more attention. With guilt, there is a way to make things right. The manager who gives these kind of negative comments should provide a clear path to how things should be done differently. To be constructive, the criticism shouldn’t focus on outcomes (”don’t screw up again”) but on techniques and processes (”next time, do x and y, instead of z”).
Shame is a tool of manipulation and control. It is destructive negative feedback. Managers who shame other people want to make them dependent and easier to push around. With shame, the only way to feel better is to make the manager happy. And there is no end to that road.
Sadly, there are managers who thrive on destructive negative feedback. It gets them the results they want and the power they crave. If you find yourself with this type of manager, you need to get out. (Definitions courtesy of Ed Schild.)
